so PLr^VYS £XCHA.NG£0. 




t3 CDITIoN' 
PL7\Y3 



nuW THE CLUB WAS 
FORMED 



Price, 15 Cents 




COPYRIGHT, 1889. BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO^ 




Class :Elk3^ 
Book . Z>9 Q - 



Copyright}!^. 



. .4- 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 



How the Club Was Formed 



An Entertainment in Three Scenes 



By 

O. W. GLEASON 

Author of^^A Modern Sewing Society^'* ^^How 
the Story Grew^^ etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1909 



How the Club Was Formed 



< 



CHARACTERS 



Mrs. Jones. 
Mrs. Brown. 
Mrs. Snow. 
Hannah Maria. 
Mrs. Reed. 
Mrs. Perkins. 
Mrs. Smith. 
Mrs. White. 
Mrs. Slocum. 



Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 
Mrs. 



Higgins. 
Stone. 
Rice. 
Martin. 

HOBBS. 

Shaw. 
Turner. 
Spring. 
Welch. 



Costumes. — Old-fashioned and countrified. In Scene III 
an attempt to be very dressy and citified should be made. The 
more ludicrous the better. 

Time. — About one hour and a half. 




Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



TMP92-00926i 



How the Club Was Formed 



SCENE I. — Mrs. Jones' kitchen. Mrs. Jones ironing at 
table. Near by is a clothes frame filled with nicely ironed 
clothes. 

Mrs. Jones. There, thank goodness I've got the last of this 
ironing done ! Mercy on me, it's nothing but work, work, 
work ! Same old thing week in, week out. Get up in the 
morning at five o'clock ; slave yourself all day long either wash- 
ing, ironing, cooking or scrubbing, then when night comes go 
to bed as tired as a dog. I declare I'm sick to death with it 
all. {Puts away ironing utensils.) Well, it's no use fretting. 
I s'pose I orter be thankful instead of complaining, but it's 
purty tough, purty tough ! 

{Rap at door. Mrs. Jones opens it and admits Mrs. Erown.) 

Mrs. Brown. Good-morning, Mrs. Jones, Hard at work, I 
suppose, same as ever. You're such a masterhand to dig. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, we women folks all are, I should say. 
Yes, I've just finished my week's ironing and am now going 
down cellar to skim milk so as to be ready for to-morrow's 
churning. I was just saying to myself when you came in that 
we women folks get mighty little fun out of life. Did you 
ever think of it, Mrs. Brown ? 

Mrs. Brown. Did I ever ? Of course I have. I've thought 
on't for a good many years, but I hain't said anything about it. 
We don't never do nothing in this village. Now the men folks 
go down-town to the store in the evening and spin their yarns 
and crack their jokes, while we stay at home and mend their 
stockings most likely. I say it's a downright shame. 

Mrs. Jones. Of course it is, and it makes me hopping mad 
every time Jonas goes out of that door and starts for the village. 
1 know he's going down to Smith's store to have a real good 
time ; not that I begrudge it to him, but I want to go some- 
wheres myself. 



4 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

Mrs. Brown. Of course we can go to church and Sunday- 
school, and I s'pose the men folks think that is enough for us. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, I don't know as I care much what the 
men folks think. Ihey are a selfish lot, at best. Sunday 
comes just once in seven days, and I want to go somewhere or 
do something between times. 

Mrs. Brown. Well, I'm sure I feel just the same about it 
as you do, but 1 don't know what we can do about it. 

Mrs. Jones. Neither do I, but I get a grain of comfort 
talking it over, even if it don't amount to anything. 

{Rap at door. Mrs. Jones admits Mrs. Snow.) 

Mrs. Snow. Good-morning, Mrs. Jones ; why, you here, 
Mrs. Brown ? I was going by and thought I'd just run in and 
sit a while with Mrs. Jones. I'm awfully glad you're here, for 
now I can kill two birds with one stone, as the saying is. 

Mrs. Brown. Yes, I'm here. I came over to borrow some 
vinegar to eat on my dandelion greens that I dug this morning, 
but Mrs. Jones and I got to talking and I really forgot to ask 
about it. 

Mrs. Jones. Land sakes ! You hadn't said one word 
about vinegar, and I ain't been very perlite for I hain't even 
asked you to sit down ; but now that Mrs. Snow has come in 
let's all sit down and take our ease for a few moments. I guess 
it atnounts to as much as to work all the time. 

{All sit.) 

Mrs. Brown, Yes, I s'pose it does. We were just saying, 
Mrs. Snow, when you came in, how hard we women worked 
and how little we got out of it. 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, I s'pose we do work purty hard, and 
land knows / get little enough out of it. I asked Silas this 
morning for some money to buy me a new calico gown, and if 
he didn't tell me that 'twas coming summer and I could go 
without one. Howsomever, I married Silas Snow; and as 
the saying is, I made my bed and I s'pose I must lie in it, even 
if he is mighty mean and close. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, my Jonas don't tell me such things as 
that. There'd be a row if he did, and he knows what that 
means. No, Jonas lets me have my share of the money. 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, Mrs. Jones, everybody knows that you 
and Jonas get on together all right. She's a real fortunate 
woman ; don't you think so, Mrs. Brown ? 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 5 

Mrs. Brown. Yes, I do; but if some other women of my 
acquaintance had a httle more spunk and vim to 'em, no Silas 
Snow would order them about as they do. 

Mrs. Snow. Well, there's no use crying over spilt milk, as 
the saying is. 1 ain't going to have any words with Silas; I'll 
go without any clothes first. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, do as you think best about it, Mrs. 
Snow, and it's a good thing you can always find some old 
saying to comfort you. 

Mrs. Snow. Land o' massy, had you noticed that? Han- 
nah Maria, Silas' oldest gal by his first wife, is always a-flinging 
it up to me. She says it makes me seem countrified and out- 
landish, but some way I can't seem to break myself of it. 
What's born in the bone can't be beat out of the flesh, as the 
saying is. 

Mrs. Brown. Hannah Maria has been visiting up to the 
city, hain't she ? When's she coming home? 

Mrs. Snow. Oh, she came yesterday morning, and she had 
a real good time. You'd orter hear her tell about it. She 
was on the go all the time, but I tell her that a rolling stone 
gathers no moss, as the saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. I declare for't. I wish / had been with 
Hannah Maria. We were just wishing, Mrs. Brown and me, 
when you came in, that we had some place to go to, instead of 
sticking so everlastingly at home. 

Mrs. Snow. Why, how you talk ! I s'posed you were 
perfectly contented and happy. I don't see why you shouldn't 
be. Where did you think you wanted to go? Anywhere in 
particular? Do tell me. Confession is good for the soul, as 
the saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. That's just the trouble. We w^;//some place 
to go. Where did Hannah Maria ^o when slie was in Boston ? 

Mrs. Snow. Oh, I can't tell you. Her Aunt Jane belongs 
to a club and she went to the meetings with her, and to the 
teas and entertainments. I guess that club has something go- 
ing on all the time. I guess they think a bird in the hand is 
worth two in the bush, as the saying is. 

Mrs.' Brown. I've hearn tell of these clubs, but I don't 
know much what they are like. I s'pose Hannah Maria knows 
all about them. 

{Rap at door.) 
Mrs. Jones. I wonder who that can be. 



6 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

(She rises y but Hannah Maria oJ>e7is the door a?id enters.) 

Hannah Maria. Good-morning, Mrs. Brown. Good- 
morning, Mrs. Jones. Why, you here, maw ! Really now, I 
didn't know you had left our vine and fig-tree to grace those 
of the neighbors. 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, I'm here; but I didn't know we had any 
fig-tree, nor any vine that was worth anything, for that matter. 
What are you talking about, anyway? You do beat all, Han- 
nah Maria. 

Mrs. Brown. I guess you learned all that fine talk down 
to Boston, didn't you, Hannah Maria? 

Hannah Maria. Of course, at Aunt Jane's I met only the 
best educated and most cultured people, don't you know? 
Now that I have returned to my rural home I suppose my con- 
versation will seem strange, and I may not be, at all times, 
appreciated. Nevertheless, if I can be the means of bringing 
about a social revolution among the women of my native town, 
I shall not think that the opportunities I have had thrown in 
my way for the past few weeks have been lost, don't you 
know ? 

Mrs. Snow. There now, what do you think of that ? 
Hasn't Hannah Maria learned something? She only stayed 
five weeks with her Aunt Jane and just hear her talk ! She 
talks a good deal more glib than Parson Nichols himself. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, I should say she did. Your mother 
says that your Aunt Jane belonged to a stick — no, club. Do 
tell us what 'twas like. I hain't any idea what they do or say 
at one. 

Mrs. Brown. Nor I neither. She that was Martha Doo- 
little had a brother whose wife's cousin belonged to one, and 
she says they are dreadfully stylish among the women nowa- 
days. 

Hannah Maria. I will try to enlighten your ignorance, 
ladies. To begin with, a Woman's Club is the most soul satis- 
fying institution that exists on this mundane sphere. The ladies 
meet and choose one for a president, another for a vice-presi- 
dent, and another for a treasurer. 'I'hen tliey have three or 
four that are the board of directors. Aunt Jane is a board of 
director. Then they have a — well, lots of other officers, don't 
you know ? 

Mrs. Jones. What do they do after they have all the 
officers picked out ? 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 7 

Hannah Maria. Well, they Oh, they have meetings 

of course, and wear such beautiful dresses. Oh, some of the 
ladies at Aunt Jane's club had just the dandiest dresses ! 

Mrs. Snow. Now, Hannah Maria, I wouldn't say dandiest. 
It don't sound real ladylike to me. 

Hannah Maria. Which goes to show conclusively, and 
without a doubt, that you are not up to dale, maw, don't you 
know ? 

Mrs. Brown. What do they do after they have got to the 
club with all their finery on ? Do they tell stories, talk about 
their neighbors, or what? 

Hannah Maria. Oh, they have such perfectly ravishing 
compositions that they read. No, 1 should say essays. Then 
after that they have something they call currant invents, but I 
never quite understood what it was. Oh, but they were real 
sweet ! 

Mrs. Jones. What was it, something to eat? I have heard 
of currant wine, currant jell and currant sass, but I don't know 
as I ever hearn tell of currant invents. 

Hannah Maria. What a benighted mind ! It wasn't any- 
thing to eat. It was something to refresh the mind with, some- 
thing to awaken the intellect, so they said, don't you know? 

Mrs. Snow. Well, I do' know but what currant wine will do 
that. Sometimes I think it does when your father gets down 
a leetle more than common. But we'll let bygones be bygones, 
as the saying is. 

Mrs. Brown. You hain't told us what they be. If 'twan't 
anything to eat, what was it? Do tell us. 

Hannah Maria. Why, each lady read a little piece from 
a paper, a little clipping they called them. Oh, they were 
so simply lovely ! They were all about Sicily, the fleet, the 
inauguration, the Chinese, the Japanese and lots of others ; oh, 
I should say quantities. Anyway, they were just as sweet and 
educational as they could be. 

Mrs. Jones. Go on, Hannah Maria ; I am just as interested 
as I can be. What else did they do ? 

Mrs. Snow. I'm wondering who the Cicely was they read 
about. Mrs. White has a sister by that name that moved west. 
I hope she hain't done anything improper and got her name in 
the papers. 

Hannah Maria. Oh, maw, I fear I shall never improve 
your mind. Well, Mrs. Jones, after they had completed their 
reading they all went, — no, I mean journeyed, — to the dining- 



8 HOW THE CLUB WAS fORM£D 

room where they had such lovely things, — no, delicacies to eat. 
That's what they called them, don't you know? 

Mrs. Brown. What were they, and how were they made? 

Hannah Maria. Oh, they were little teenty-weenty crack- 
ers with something sweet in them. Then they had frozen stuff 
that they called mouse, and lots of little candy. Sometimes 
they have patties, but not often. Aunt Jane said they were 
quite expensive. Oh, they always have something to ^r////^/ 
punch or coffee. 

Mrs. Snow. Hannah Maria, I want to know if you drank 
punch when you was to Boston? I don't have no opinion of 
your aunt if she put temptation in your way. 

Mrs. Jones. I must say I don't think they have much to eat. 

Hannah Maria. They don't call it anything to eat ; they 
call it a spread. 

Mrs. Brown. Well, I should say it was a mighty poor 
spread. I wouldn't make such a sprawl about nothing. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, what else, Hannah Maria? Do they 
do anything else? 

Hannah Maria. No, they go home after that, and talk it 
over. At least that's what Aunt Jane did. She wondered how 
much the ladies' dresses cost, who wrote their essays for them, 
and said how sweet some looked and how homely others were. 
'I'hen she talked about the spread, and said the punch was too 
weak and the coffee too stro7ig. Some of the crackers were 
musty, she said, and the frozen stuff was too sweet. Aunt Jane 
says she enjoys talking over the meetings fully as well as at- 
tending them. 

Mrs. Brown. Well, I don't know how the city folks look 
at it, but I call it mighty poor manners to talk over your victuals 
when you go a-visiting. 

Mrs. Snow. There, I'm glad to hear you say so, for that's 
just what I said to Hannah Maria ; but a prophet has no honor 
in his own country, as the saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. Now, Hannah Maria ; what would you have to 
do X.0 forfn one of these 'ere clubs? I've a great notion of 
trying to get up one among the women in this village. Do 
you s'pose I could? 

Hannah Maria. Oh, that would be perfectly splendid ! 
I'll give you the advantage of the knowledge I gained in Boston 
and assist you all I can. But what put such an idea into your 
head ? Do you suppose the women will think they have time 
to devote to club work ? You know it takes lots of time. 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 9 

Mrs. Jones. Well, s'posing it does; we'll take lots of time 
for it then. We may just as well do that as to slave all day 
washing, ironing, baking, churning and scrubbing. 1 guess 
we'll all be just as rich in the end. 

Mrs. Brown. Well, I for one would like to join something 
or other, and if you'll get up a club I'll certainly join it. 

Mrs. Jones. My mind is fully made up, and everybody in 
this village knows that when Samantha Jones starts in to do 
anything something's doing. I'm going to get up a woman's 
club if it takes a leg, so there 1 Will you be a member, Mrs. 
Snow ? 

]\Irs. Snow. You know I'd have to ask Silas first, and I 
don't know as he would think it would pay. 

Hannah Maria. Oh, yes, you do have to pay to belong to 
the club. Aunt Jane says you have to pay your annual dues 
once a year. 

Mrs. Brown. Land sakes ! what on earth are annual dues, 
and what do you have to pay anything to just meet around at 
the neighbors' houses to talk a while for? 

Mrs. Jones. There'll be no paying at the club I form, so 
there. I'm not getting up clubs to make money. 

Hannah Maria. Aunt Jane said they had to pay their 
dues in order to have money with which to defray their 
expenses, don't you know? 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, bosh, don't talk that highfalutin stuff to 
me. It won't cost you a cent to belong, Mrs. Snow, and if I 
were in your place I wouldn't say one word to Silas about it. 

Mrs. Snow. You know the saying is not to let your left 
hand know what your right one is doing, so after all I guess I 
won't tell Silas. Yes, I'll jine your club. Howsomever you 
mustn't say anything about it to your father, Hannah Maria. 

Hannah Maria. Of course not. I never meddle with my 
parents' affairs. You know I didn't approve of my father's 
choice in selecting a second wife, but I trust I know my duty 
now that you are my mother. 

Mrs. Snow. Well, I don't know but what I wish he had 
looked further, but it's no use crying over spilt milk, as the 
saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. We'll let you help us about getting up the 
club, Hannah Maria, but you can't belong to it. You're too 
young, and besides we ain't going to have any one but married 
women in it, and good, sensible ones at that. 

Hannah Maria. There were lots of ladies who were not 



10 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

null lied in Aunt Jane's club, not young ones, but about forty 
or filty years old. 

Mrs. Jones. For mercy sake I you don't mean to tell me 
that they had old maids in their club? I shan't have any in 
mine. 

Mrs. Brown. Why not, Mrs. Jones? I don't lay up any- 
thing agin a woman just because she never got married. 

Mrs. Jones. Neither do 1, but can't they go gallivanting all 
over the world ? Do they have a husband and young ones to 
dig for? What do they want to belong to a club for when 
they don't have to do washing, scrubbing and churning for a 
living ? I tell you the okl maids have a mighty good time 
nowadays. My club is for the downtrodden, married women. 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, I think / was just as well off before I 
married Silas, if I was an old maid, but I thought I'd marry 
him, he seemed so set on it, and two heads are better than 
one, if you know one is a cabbage head. 

{All laugh.) 

Mrs. Brown. You always hit the mark, Mrs. Snow. If 
you'll get my vinegar I guess I'll go along. The young ones 
will be home from school, and if dinner ain't ready there'll be 
a pretty mess. 

Mrs. Jones {getting vinegar'). I'm real glad you came 
over, even if you did hinder me about getting my milk scum. 
But I don't mind that, now that I am going to form a club. 
You'll hear from me soon about it. 

Mrs. Snow. I'll go along with you, Mrs. Brown ; two is 
company and three is a crowd, as the saying is. Are you 
coming now, Hannah Maria ? 

Mrs. Jones. No, she ain't. Stay and spend the day with 
me, Hannah Maria, and we'll talk over my new club. 

Hannah Maria. Thank you. I shall be delighted to assist 
you. I am so glad that an opportunity for elevating my sex 
has opened up to me. I'll gladly help you in your charitable 
work, don't you know? 

Mrs. Jones. Land, 'tain't no charitable work, for I ain't 
going to give nothing to nobody. I just want some place to 
go to, and I'll have it, too ! 

Mrs. Brown. Good luck to yer, Mrs. Jones ! Come, Mrs. 
Snow, I'm ready. [Exeiint Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Snow. 

Mrs. Jones. Now, Hannah Maria, I ain't going to do an- 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 11 

Other living thing this day until I get this club formed. Come 
out into the spare room wliere we won't get broke in upon and 
I'll get a pencil and paper and form a club. I'll have some- 
wheres to go to or I'll know the reason why. \Both exeufit, 

CURTAIN 



SCENE II. — Mrs. Jones' spare room. Ladies discovered all 
seated. Ladies all knitting, sewing or at work braiding 
rags. 

Mrs. Jones {rising and reading from a large sheet of 
paper). " Neighbors and friends, when I sent you, each and 
all, an invitation to be present at my domicile this P. m, you 
little knew for what purpose you were to gather here. You 
little knew that a new lease of life was being opened to your 
view, as it were. You did not reaHze that we, the down- 
trodden, the crushed, were about to spread our wings and soar 
upward, perhaps out of sight. You did not appreciate " 

Mrs. Reed. Heavens on earth ! Are you crazy or what is 
the matter? I'm going straight home ! {Rises.') 

Mrs. Jones {dropping paper). There ! I knew just how 
'twould be and I told Hannah Maria Snow so. You see, 
neighbors, that I'm going to form a club and Hannah Maria 
has been helping me about it. She wrote that stuff on that 
paper and told me to read it to you, but Lord a massy ! I 
knew you wouldn't understand such a mess of lingo. You can 
sit down, Mrs. Reed ; I ain't crazy a mite, but I am going to 
get up a club, whether or no. 

Mrs. Brown. Yer see, Mrs. Jones and I have got tired of 
staying at home and letting the men folks have all the fun, so 
she has got the idea of forming a club for us women to go to. 
I think it will be a fine idea, though land knows what we'll do 
at it. 

Mrs. Reed. Oh, if that's all I'll sit down again, but I 
verily thought the woman was gone stark mad. {Sits.) 

Mrs. Jones. Well, I am mad enough when I think what 
fools we've been all these years, but I ain't crazy. 

Mrs. Perkins. What kind of a club are you going to form ? 
I've hearn tell of lots of kinds. 

Mrs. Smith. What are you going to do? Work for the 
heathen, I s'pose, same as we do at the sewing society. 

Mrs. Jones. No, marm. We ain't going to work for 



la HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

nobody or nothing at my club. We're going to have a good 
time and that's all. 

Mrs. White. Why, it'll seem kind of queer not to be doing 
anything. Can't we bring our sewing and knitting fo it? I'd 
feel like a fish out of water if I didn't have my work in my 
hand. 

Mrs. Jones. We are going to write essays ; compositions 
we used to call them when I was a gal and went to school. 
Then we are going to meet at some house and read ihem, 
that's just what we are going to do. Hannah Maria told me 
all about it. 

Mrs. Reed {starting uf). For the land's sake ! She is 
crazy and 1 knew she was. I never could write a composition 
when I was a gal, and I don't think I'll begin now. 

Mrs. Jones. You'll find it easy enough. I'll tell you what 
to do. 

(Mrs. Reed sits?) 

Mrs. Snow {asidt;), I'm thinking it will take some one 
beside Samantha Jones to put brains into Maria Reed's head. 
She never knew beans when she went to school. 

Mrs. Brown. Of course we must first take a vote and see 
how many will join a club. 

Mrs. Jones. This is my club, Mrs. Brown, and I'll attend 
to it all myself. Hannah Maria told me all about it. {IVith 
great dignity.') 

Mrs. Brown. Well, don't be so huffy. I only was think- 
ing that if you don't begin to form your club you'd never get 
it done, I'm sure I don't want to meddle with your business. 

Mrs. Jones. No, you hadn't better. I feel fully capable 
of running my own club. Now all the women folks here as- 
sembled that would like to join my club will please rise. 

Mrs. Snow. Will you have to jine it if you rise, for I ain't 
quite made up my mind yet ? 

Mrs. Slocum. I don't know whether my man would want 
to have me. I'd have to ask him first. 

Mrs. Higgins. How much would it cost to jine? I 
shouldn't want to pay much. 

Mrs. Stone. I never get my work done until dark. I don't 
think I'd have much time to write compositions, though I was 
a masterhand at it when I was a gal. 

Mrs, Jones. There, I knew Mrs. Brown was in too big a 
hurry. We hain't talked it over enough. 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED ij 

Mrs. Perkins. That's so. I want to know what you do 
besides writing compositions. / could get a composition easy 
enough. The new schoohiiaster says my Liza Ann beats all for 
writing compositions, and she'd be tickled to death to write me 
one. 

Mrs. Jones. I was just going to tell you, but Mrs. Brown 
broke in ; we all are to cut pieces out of the newspapers and 
bring them to the club and read them. They call them cur- 
rant — currant something. What was it, Mrs. Brown? You 
heard Hannah Maria tell on't. 

Mrs. Brown. I don't know as I just remember, and even 
if I did I guess I shouldn't feel obliged to tell you after your 
being so awful spiteful just because I wanted to help you along 
a bit. 

Mrs. Snow. Mrs. Jones, / guess I can tell you. Wasn't 
it currant prevents ? 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, that's just what they called them; cur- 
rant prevents. 

Mrs. Reed. That's queer, my way of thinking. What 
does a piece cut out of a newspaper have to do with currants, 
anyway ? and land knows what it prevents ! 

Mrs. Jones. Well, that's what they called 'em, anyway. 

Mrs. Martin. I s'pose they'd got to call 'em something, 
and a pack oi fool women will do queer things. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, if I ever ! Perhaps you think I'm a 
fool to form a club ? 

Mrs. Martin. Perhaps I do, and perhaps I don't. I 
don't tell all I think. 

Mrs. Jones. If you hadn't a-wanted to come over here this 
afternoon you didn't have ter. I s' posed you'd feel slighted if 
I didn't ask you. 

Mrs. Martin. I did have two minds about coming ; but 
now I've got here, I'll stay and see the thing through. 

Mrs. Jones. Do as you think best. {Very stiffly.') 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, it's a free country, as the saying is. I'm 
sure Fni having a real good time. 

Mrs. Jones. To continue — after we've read our currant 
prevents, then we have a spread. 

Mrs. Hobbs. For heaven's sake, what do you do with a 
spread? Do you have a patchwork one or one of those white 
ones you buy in the stores ? 

Mrs. Jones. Neither one. A spread — is crackers and 
pickles and tea and candy. 



14 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

Mrs. Shaw. What queer names they do give things nowa- 
days ! 

Mrs. Hobbs. Well, don't they? If my poor, dear, dead 
and gone husband could rise from his grave I guess he'd be 
some surprised. 

Mrs. Turner. Do let Mrs. Jones go on. It beats all I 
ever hearn tell of. Do they eat them things, or just spread 
them out and look at 'em ? 

Mrs, Jones. Eat 'em, of course. At Hannah Maria's 
Aunt Jane's they had punch, but we won't have any. It won't 
be setting the men a good example. 

Mrs. Spring. Who buys the things for the spread? It 
would cost something. 

Mrs. Jones. When it meets at ttiy house / buy the spread ; 
when it meets ^\ your house j^// do, and so on. 

Mrs. Spring. I hain't joined yet ; so, as Mrs. Snow would 
say, " Don't reckon your chickens before they are hatched." 

Mrs. Jones. How hateful you be, Mrs. Spring. Now, 
instead of taking a vote, I am going to ask our minister's wife 
to pass this paper around, and if you want to join rny club, 
just write your name on't. If you don't, why don't, that's all. 
{She gives the paper to Mrs. Welch, who passes it around. 
All sign after 7nuch business of thinking and whispering it 
over with their neighbors. Mrs. Jones takes paper from Mrs. 
Welch.) Every one on 'em signed, didn't they, Mrs. Welch ? 
I s' posed they would. 

Mrs. Welch. Yes. It is surely a case of woman's curi- 
osity. They wish to see what your club is to be like. 

{All laugh.) 

Mrs. Jones. Now I'll go on. /';;/ going to be the presi- 
dent, 'cos I first thought on't. 

Mrs. Slocum. There's noXkimg pushing about you ! 

Mrs. Rice. I thought we voted for a president. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, you can, if you'll vote for me; but 
there won't be any club if / can't be president. 

Mrs. Turner. I think 'twould be more proper to have our 
minister's wife for president. 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, Mrs. Brown, let her be the president. 
Let her occupy the seat of the mighty, as the saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. She can be vice-president, if she wants, but 
I've made up my mind that I'll JDe president; and president 
I'll be, or you can all go home and we won't have any club. 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED I5 

Mrs. Smith. I knew the men were all fighting to get into 
office, but 1 didn't know women were. I thought they were 
perl iter. 

Mrs. White. I'm glad I don't want to be nobody nor 
nothing, so I shan't have to squabble over what I'll be. 

Mrs. Snow. I shan't say anything about it, anyway. The 
first shall be last and the last shall be first, as the saying is. 

Mrs. Martin. When I signed that 'ere paper, I s'posed I'd 
get into office, or I wouldn't have done it. I don't know as I 
want to be president, but I'm going to be something or I'll 
scratch my name off of that paper. 

Mrs. Jones. You shan't be president, so there, and I don't 
know as you'll be anything. I guess we could get along if you 
did scratch off your name. 

Mrs. Welch. Seems to me I wouldn't quarrel about it. I 
don't think it is Christianlike to wrangle over a small thing 
like this. 

Mrs. Jones. It isn't a small thing, and as it hasn't the first 
living thing to do with the church, I don't care a hang whether 
it is Christianlike or not. Now once for all, am I going to be 
president or not? 

Mrs. Welch. As the wife of the pastor of this village, I 
would suggest that in order to keep peace we allow Mrs. Jones 
to be president. All who agree please say /. 

(^One by one each lady says^ ** Yes, let her.** " I s' pose so.** 
"She might as well,** etc. After all have agreed, Mrs. 
Jones rises.') 

Mrs. Jones. Now, ladies, — I shall call you ladies hereafter, 
for you have proved you are such by letting me be president, — 
we will now elect a vice-president, or rather I'll elect one. I 
guess I'll let Mrs. Welch be that. 

Mrs. Hobbs. It does beat all! Ain't the rest of us going 
to have our say about anything? 

Mrs. Rice. I jined 'cos I thought I'd have a chance to 
vote, and I wanted to see how 'twould seem, but I hain't got 
no chance yet. 

Mrs. Jones (^pulling paper from front of dress). You just 
wait, all of you, and I'll let you know who's to be the officers 
of this club. I made them all out this morning with Hannah 
Maria's help. I hain't left out one of you. {Reads.) Presi- 
dent, Mrs. Samantha Jones ; vice-president, Mrs. Elijah 



l6 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

Welch, our minister's wife. {Puts paper hack in aress.') We 
ain't a-going to have any treasurer same as Hannah Maria's 
aunt had, 'cos we ain't a-going to charge anything to belong 
to this club, and we ain't a-going to have any secretary nuther, 
'cos we don't want everything we do writ down in a book. We 
are going to have a board of directors, and all the rest of you 
ladies are going to be a board of director, so you'll feel you 
hold some office. You won't have anything to do, 'cos I'll do 
all that's necessary. Now don't you think I've done well to 
let every one of you get into office? 

Mrs. Slocum. I didn't want any office, but if you don't 
have anything to do I might as well be a board of director as 
anything. 

Mrs, Jones. All you board of directors must wear badges. 

Mrs. Stone. What are they, and where do you get them? 
Don't they cost something? 

Mrs. Jones. Hannah Maria says they are a piece of ribbon 
with the words ''Board of Directors " printed on them. She 
says they got them printed somewheres in Boston, but land of 
massy ! them women must have been a shiftless pack if they 
couldn't have made their own badges. I am going to make 
my own and I guess the rest of you can make yourn. 

Mrs. Brown. What color ribbon do you have ? 

Mrs. Jones. Hannah Maria didn't say, but 'pears to me 
any color would do. I've got some old white ribbon that I am 
going to dye yellow and have ''President " put on it, real big, 
in black letters. I think it will look real nice. 

{Smiles very siveetly.') 

Mrs. Reed. I have some green ; do you think that will do ? 
I ain't over and above fond of green, but that's all I've got. 

Mrs. Hobbs. Didn't you hear our worthy president say 
that any color would do, and what she says, goes. 

Mrs. Jones. Thank you, Mrs. Hobbs; I don't think the 
ladies yet understand that they must do just what I say. 

Mrs. Perkins. Hoity, toity ! Don't we put on airs? 

Mrs. Jones. I. shan't notice insults. Hannah Maria says 
that they told her in Boston that people in high places always 
got insulted. Now the next work to come before this club is 
to give it a name. Now I want each and every one to have a 
voice in naming my club. Beginning at Mrs. Rice, I want 
everybody to tell what we shall name it. 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 1 7 

Mrs. Rice. Don't ask me. I never was any hand at nam- 
ing anything. Jotham named every one of our nine young 
ones. I thought that was the least he could do. 

Mrs. Martin. You might call it <' My Club " ; that 'pears 
to come quite natural. 

INIrs. Jones. Yes, but 'tain't yoitr club, it's ini?ie. 

Mrs. Hobds. They have flowery names nowadays. You 
might call it the '* Dandelion Club," as long as it was formed 
when 'twas time to dig 'em. 

Mrs. Shaw. I think the ''Lily Club" would sound better, 
but goodness knows 7ve are far from lilies. 

Mrs. Turner. If we wanted to be real patriotic, we could 
call it the '' Roosevelt Club." 

Mrs. Spring. I don't think it proper for a pack of women 
to name their club after a 7nan. Let's call it the ''Susan An- 
thony Club." I've hearn tell of her, but don't know just who 
she was, but I guess she was a real good woman. 

Mrs. Welch. Yes, she was, but why not call it the " Cher- 
ryville Woman's Club," after our town? 

Mrs. Brown. As near as I can cal'late, it isn't the woman's 
club ; it's Mrs. Jones' club, and why not call it so ? 

Mrs. Snow. I've nothing to say. A rose by any other 
name would smell as sweet, and what's in a name, as the 
saying is. 

Mrs. Reed. I think we'd better call it the "Lazy Club," 
as long as we ain't a-going to work. 

Mrs. Perkins. / shouldn't care to say anything about it 
until I had asked my husband. He knows everything, and 
he'd tell us just the right thing to call it. 

Mrs. Jones. Your husband can attend to his own black- 
smith shop. We ain't asking his opinion. 

Mrs. Smith. Call it the " Sassy Club." I think that's just 
the name. 

Mrs. White. How would the "Married Woman's Club" 
do? We seem to all be married. 

Mrs. Slocum. Well, what if we be? We needn't publish 
it all over the world. Most of us have very little to brag about 
in the way of husbands. 

Mrs. Higgins. Speak for yourself, and not for others. 
Because _y^//; fight all the time with your husband it's no sign 1 
do. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell on't at the club. Better 
call it the "Truth-telling Club," 

Mrs. Stone. Being as I am the last, I have had a good 



1 8 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

chance to hear what you've all said, and I guess I'd call it the 
*' Spiteful Club." 

Mrs. Jones. There, I gave you all a good opportunity to 
select a name for my club, but none of you have got the right 
one. I named it this morning with Hannah Maria's help. I 
think it is a real pretty name, and know you will all like it. 
My club is named ** Samantha Matilda Jones' Optimistic Club." 
I don't know why Hannah Maria insisted on having the "op- 
timistic " put in, but she said it sounded better. 

Mrs. Si.ocuM. What does the word mean, anyway? 

Mrs. Jones. I didn't ask her. I guess it don't mean noth- 
ing. Big words don't, generally. Do you know, Mrs. 
Welch? 

Mrs. Welch. Hannah Maria made a wise selection when 
she chose the name for our club. It pertains to looking on the 
bright side of life, and of course we all will endeavor to do 
that. 

Mrs. Snow. Yes, but we must remember that all is not 
gold that glitters, as the saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, ladies, I guess the club is formed, and 
it is time for you all to go home. I've got to fry slap jacks for 
supper, and it's about time I begun. The first meeting of 
** Samantha Matilda Jones' Optimistic Club" will be held 
here, in my house, next- Tuesday afternoon, at three o'clock. 
Every one will have a composition to read on anything they 
want to write about, and every one must have a piece cut out 
of a newspaper to read. I'll serve the spread and conduct the 
meeting. There, I guess I've said that just as Hannah Maria 
told me to. You are dismissed, ladies. 

{The ladies rise and curtain falls.') 



SCENE III. — Mrs. Jones' /^r/<?r. Ladies discovered all sit- 
ting up, very much dressed up, with compositions and paper 
clippings in their hands. 

Mrs. Jones {sitting at a table at the right of stage ^ with 
Hannah Maria beside her). Ladies, this is the first meeting 
of the ''Samantha Matilda Jones' Optimistic Club," which we 
so, — so,— what was that word you told me to say, Hannah 
Maria ? 

Hannah Maria. Amicably 



HOW THH CLUB WAS FORMED I9 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, yes, — so amicably formed last week. I 

trust the good-will shown at that time will be perpetuated 

Is that right, Hannah Maria? 

HaNxNah Maria. Just right. 

Mrs. Jones. Through all eternity, and even more, if neces- 
sary. Hannah Maria Snow is with us this afternoon to see 
if we do things as they did at her Aunt Jane's in Boston. I 
think it is real kind of her to come, for I want my club just 
like the one her Aunt Jane belongs to. What shall I do or say 
next, Hannah Maria? 

Hannah Maria. The first thing will be to hear the report 
of the different officers. 

Mrs. Snow. You mustn't believe all you hear though, as 
the saying is. 

Mrs. Jones. We hain't got any officers, only me and Mrs. 
Welch and the board of directors, and we hain't got any re- 
ports to make. Besides, I ain't a-going to have any gossip 
talked here, as I never did believe in starting reports about my 
neighbors. 

Hannah Maria. Well, if there are no reports to be read 
you must proceed to business. 

Mrs. Jones. What's that ? 

Hannah Maria. Why, I guess it will be the reading of the 
essays. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, I don't know as that's business; but, 
anyway, we'll have them read. I'll call on Mrs. Brown first. 

Mrs. Brown. I ain't a-going to read mine first, so there. 
Why don't you read your own ? 

Mrs. Jones. Why, / didn't write one; I'm president. 
The president don't never do nothing. 

Mrs. Brown. Well, if you ain't the beater ! Howsomever, 
I've got a real good composition, but I ain't a-going to sail 
under false colors; I didn't write one word of it. I copied it 
out of " The Old Farmers' Almanac." (^Reads.) 

''APRIL 

"Now is the time to sit up and begin to take notice. The 
lawns ought to ht raked, if you've got a Inwn and a rake; if 
not, you might borrow one. Don't shoot the bluebirds when 
they make their appearance, for if you do they'll never put in 
another appearance. See that the cellars are cleaned of all 
rubbish. Germs lurk everywhere, even in the water you drink, 
so I wouldn't advise my readers to drink water when wine is as 



20 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

handy. In Bible times they turned water into wine, now they 
turn wine into money. This is the month for the boys to play 
marbles and the girls to jump rope. Don't stop them. When 
the boys play 'skin' they are learning to be great men at 
Washington. When the girls jump rope they are exercising 
their lungs, something they'll not be able to do when they wear 
corsets," 

Mrs. Jones. That will do, Mrs. Brown ; I don't think it 
lady-like to read anything in public about corsets; and be- 
sides, we've all read that in our own almanacs. Don't the 
ladies in Boston write their own compositions ? 

Hannah Maria. Of course they do. 

Mrs. Brown. I never was tarnal smart in my young days, 
and I guess I'm not going to rack my brain now over compo- 
sitions. If you won't let me copy one from a book I'll leave 
the club. I thought that one was real good. 

(Hannah Maria whispers to Mrs. Jones.) 

Mrs. Jones. 'Twas good enough, but we prefer original 
ones; something that emanates from our own brains. Was 
that what you told me to say, Hannah Maria ? 

(Hannah Maria nods.) 

Mrs. Martin. I wrote every word of mine and I'd just 
like to read it now. {Reads.) 

''WHAT I THINK OF CLUBS 

"To begin with I don't think much of them. Women 
had better be at home mending their young ones' clothes, than 
to be at the neighbors' houses trying to do something they 
know nothing about. At this very moment there are young 
ones right in this village with holes in their stockings as big as 
my fist, while their mothers are here in Mrs. Jones' parlor, all 
dressed up in their meetin' clothes, making believe they are 
enjoying themselves when they ain't. Then, too, there are 
women here whose husbands hain't got a clean shirt to put on 
Sunday, for they've been so busy getting their compositions 
written that they hain't had no time to wash. I know of one 
woman in the club, I shan't say whether it is the president or 
not, who " 

Mrs. Jones. You can just sit down and hold your tongue, 
or I'll put you out. I didn't w^ant you to join my club, any- 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 21 

way, but you would come sticking in ; but you shan't insult 
ine. 

Mrs. Martin (^siui/ig). I thought you wanted original 
compositions. Wasn't mine original enough? 

Mrs. J(JNES. Mrs. Snow, we'll hear yours now. 

Mrs. Snow. I don't know as you'll like it, you seem so 
kinder particular, but I did the best 1 could. (Reads.) 

''HUSBANDS 

''I've got one, but I kinder wish I hadn't. I didn't have 
one for a long time, but I had to trim bonnets and braid straw 
for a living, and the rest of the gals got them one, so I thought 
I'd do my best to get me one. I was thirty-eight when my hus- 
band, who had before been Sarah Small's husband, asked me 
to take poor Sarah's place, who had been dead for about six 
months. 1 knew it was my last chance, as it was also my first 
one, and I was growing liomely every day, so I said I would. 
Husbands are well enough if you get a good one, but you 
can't never tell whether you are getting one of the good ones. 
Butter wouldn't melt in their mouths before you marry 'em, 
but, land sakes ! you wait till after the parson has tied the 
knot. Every husband does something mean ; they either swear, 
or they drink, or they smoke, or they are tighter than the bark 
of a tree, or they — well, I won't say what. If a woman is 
homely as sin, I suppose you can't blame her husband for " 

Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Snow, I truly am ashamed of you, talk- 
ing so about Hannah Maria's father right to her face. 

Mrs. Snow. Land of massy ! I didn't mean 7ny husband, 
any more than I did yourn. I mean all of yourn. Silas is as 
good as the rest, I guess. Among specked cabbages there ain't 
much choice, as the saying is. Shall I continue my composi- 
tion ? (Ladies all say ^^ No,'" '* We don't want to hear it, ^ 
etc.) Just as you say, but I'll never sit up till midnight again 
to write a composition that you won't let me read. This is an 
ungrateful world, as the saying is. 

Hannah Maria. Well, maw, you have said quite enough. 
I knew you had a very w^eak intellect, but I did suppose you 
had a little respect for the masculine world in general, and my 
paternal ancestor in particular. 

Mrs. Snow. I don't know what you mean, and I don't 
know as I care. This is the first and last club I'll ever go to. 
I'd go home now, but I want to hear some of the other com- 
positions. 



22 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Hobbs, will you please read yourn ? I 
hope 1 shan't have to stop you as 1 have the others. 

Mrs. Hobbs. I think mine is better than any I have heard. 
I asked my darter what to write about and she said as ]ong as 
the word '' Optimistic " was in the name of the club she would 
write me one on this subject. (^Reads.) 

^'WHAT IT IS TO BE OPTIMISTIC 

" 1 suppose none of you know what it is to be optimistic, and 
so I am going to write my mother a composition and tell you 
poor, ignorant women what it is. I know, because I go to the 
Cherryville High School, and therefore know it all. When my 
mother calls me in the morning to help her get breakfast and I 
don't hear her, and she has all the work to do herself, and 
daddy is snoring to beat the band and I am almost killing my- 
self laughing, thinking how I have fooled her, if she goes about 
singing, 'Oh, that I had wings,' etc., and smiling to herself, 
then she is being optimistic. If Mrs. Snow laughs and kisses 
Silas, when he won't give her a quarter to buy shoe-strings, 
then she is optimistic." 

Mrs. Snow. Land of Goshen ! I never kissed Silas Snow 
but once in my life, and then I felt flatter than a flounder. 
What is she talking about? I never bought a quarter's worth 
of shoe-strings since I was born. 

Mrs. Hobbs. Will you stop a-interruptin' me? 

Mrs. Snow. I must say your darter is a bigger ninny than 
her mother. Kissing Silas I Bah ! 

Mrs. Hobbs. Mrs. Jones, is she going to insult me or not? 
Shall I continue ? 

Mrs. Jones. No, I guess we've heard enough of that. I 
s'posed you women would write your own compositions and 
not ask little, giggling, foolish schoolgirls, that don't know 
nothing but kissing, to do it for them. 

Mrs. Hobbs. This is my last appearance at your old club. 
I won't have my darter's compositions insulted, nor hemwihtr, 
by an old crank of a woman, 

Hannah Maria. Mrs. Jones, \yhen the members talk like 
that the president calls them to order. 

Mrs. Hobbs. She'd better not call me to order ; if she 
does, I'll let her and you know that I won't be ordered about 
by anybody. I'd go right home now, only I want to get some 
of that spread I've hearn so much about. 



HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 23 

Mrs. Jones. I did think ycni women would write some 
decent composilions, but I begin to think you don't know 
nothing. Airs. Higgins, will you read yourn ? 

Mrs. Higgins. If you don't like mine, you can't blame me," 
for I didn't have nothing to do about writing it. {Reads.) 

" Friends, Romans, Countrymen, hear me " 

Mrs. Jones. For the land sakes ! Have you got that old 
thing we used to read fifty years ago at school, coi)ied out on 
that paper ? If you have, you just sit down, for we won't hear 
it. 

Mrs. Higgins. Well, you don't have to, but I wanted a 
good, sensible composition, and I always did like that ; it sounds 
so kinder of up and coming some way. How we did us'ter 
read it together, and see who could read the loudest. 

Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Perkins, have you got anything fit to 
read ? I'm getting about sick of these 'ere compositions, 

Mrs. Perkins {reads'). 

''THE HISTORY OF A PIN 

" I was once a piece of steel wire, when a man took me and 
carried me to a shop, where I was cut up into little pieces and 
made into pins. Then 1 was stuck on a paper, and " 

Hannah Maria. 1 heard them tell in Boston about being 
stuck on a young man, but I didn't hear one word about being 
stuck on a paper. 

Mrs. Jones. Now, Hannah Maria, I want to ask you one 
question. Are these compositions anything like those you 
heard at your Aunt Jane's? If they ain't, I'm not going to 
hear another one. 

Hannah Maria. No, those were on more sublime subjects, 
and you couldn't understand what they were about. Such big 
words as they had in them I Oh, they were so soul uplifting, 
not a bit like these. 

Mrs. Rice. Well, if Hannah Maria and Mrs. Jones ain't 
satisfied with the compositions of the others, theyvvouldn't be 
with ours, and let's all crumple ours up and put 'em into our 
pockets. 

{They all do so.) 

Mrs. Jones. As president of this club I must say you are 
dead failures at writing compositions, and I'm glad I hain't got 
to listen to any more. Now, I'll call for the current extents. 
Mrs. White, you may read yourn. 



24 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

Mrs. White {reading fro jn newspaper dipping). '' A cure 
for rheumatiz. Take three quarts of sweet cider, put into it a 

quarter's worth of " 

■ Mrs, Jones. Do sit down. We don't want to bear such 
stuff as that. That wasn't what they read at your Aunt Jane's 
club, was it, Hannah Maria? 

Hannah Maria. Of course not. They had clippings on 
educational subjects. 

Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Spring, you please read yourn. 

Mrs. Spring. I don't know how mine will suit you. It's 
real pretty, I think. {Reads.') 

"Just then Mary Jane broke the silence and said, * Of all 
the indescribable, indigestible, indestructible, inconceivable 
things in nature a white blackbird poised on the top of the 
Washington monument takes the cake.' " Now ain't that real 
pretty ? I should think that would be soul uplifting enough to 
suit anybody. 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, I call that real good ; I don't know what 
it means, but it sounded good. 

Hannah Maria. I call that almost as good as those I heard 
at Aunt Jane's. 

Mrs. Jones. If we have many more read we shan't have 
time for the spread, so we'll only have Mrs. Slocura read hern, 
and then we'll have our spread. 

Mrs. Slocum. Mine is an advertisement of some new kind 
of soap, and I ain't going to read it, 'cos you wouldn't like it. 

Mrs. Jones, You read yourn, Mrs. Turner. 

Mrs. Turner {reading). ''The new kind of hats that the 
fashion-plates are wearing are said to have originated five thou- 
sand years ago in the " 

Mrs, Jones. We don't want to hear about anything as old 
as that. You may sit, Mrs. Turner, Mrs. Welch, will you 
read yourn ? 

Mrs. Welch. Mine is about the work of the missionaries 
in China ; perhaps you don't care to hear it. 

Mrs. Jones. No, I don't. I'm sick to death of China and 
the missionaries, and do you know I'm just as sick of clubs. I 
never had such a trying afternoon in my life. I guess you 
women ain't bright enough to belong to a club. 

{Sits down disgusted.) 
Mrs. Shaw. Well, / guess you ain't bright enough to be 



How THE CLUB WAS FORMED 1^ 

president of one. I think we'd all look better if we were at 
home attending to our husbands and young ones. 

Mrs. Stone. I thought we were going to have a spread. 
Why don't you bring it on? 

Mrs. Reed. I'm real hungry, and a few crackers would 
taste good. 

Mrs. Jones. A few crackers I How many did you think 
you were going to have? I've got just one apiece for you. 
Hannah Maria, you may get them and pass 'em 'round. 
(Hannah Maria goes out and returns with plate containing 
just enough for each to have one. She passes tlieni. When 
she at last passes them to Mrs. Jones, she shakes her head.) 
No, I don't want any. I've had 'em in the house for upwards 
of six weeks, and they've got so hard I can't bite 'em with my 
false teeth, but I guess they are good enough for a spread. 
(^Business of trying to bite them, but they prove too hard.) If 
you can't eat 'em take 'em home to the young ones. They'll 
like 'em . {All exclaim — ' ' Stingy thing. " * ' Did you ever ? ' ' 
*^ Hoiv do you like her spread?'' etc.) Well, of all the un- 
gratefulest pack of women, you beat 'em. You've put me all 
out of patience and I ain't going to have a club no more. I 
ain't going to be president no more; and I'll stay at home for- 
ever before I try to form a club again, so there. Now you can 
all get out of my house at once. I'm mad clean through. 

Mrs. Reed. Excuse me, Mrs. Jones, but I guess I'll read 
my composition afore we go. I wrote it in poetry, and I hate 
to have it lost. It has turned out just as I thought. 

^' MRS. JONES' CLUB 

"Mrs. Jones, she formed a club, 
But she couldn't make it go ; 
We women here in Cherryviile 
Were made for work, not shoWo 

"Some women have big brains. 
But we've no brains at all ; 
And if we try to mount up high, 
We'll surely get a fall. 

*' We'd better stay at home, 

And wash, and bake and churn ; 
For that is all we're fitted for 
As near as I discern. 



26 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

** And if we want some place to go 
As Mrs. Jones declared, 
We'll get our children's ragged clothes 
And see that they're repaired. 

** God gave some women talent, 
And 'tis a hard proposition 
If you've not got it in you 
To write a composition. 

** I'd rather slave all day 

Than try to make believe wise. 
So I'll stay at home hereafter 
And bake my bread and pies. 

** I'm sorry for Mrs. Jones, 

And for Hannah Maria, too, 
But in this world so broad and wide 
They'll find something else to do. 

"The Optimistic Club is dead 
And I, myself, am glad. 
For a woman who feels out of place. 
Does look to me so bad." 

{^Quick curlai?i.') 



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THE PURSUIT OF THE PARSON 
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Tliiiteen females and jury. Costumes of the future ; scenery unimpor- 
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Hon. Portia Blackstone, Judge. 

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eleven jurors. 

THE TRUTH ABOUT JANE 
A Comedy in One Act 

By Alice C. Thompson 
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A Farce in One Act 

By Alice C. Thompson 
Six females. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy interior. Plays 
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or to fill in an intermission. All action and lots of fun. All parts young 
and well-dressed. 

Price f i^ cents 



New Plays 



HIGBEE OF HARVARD 

A COMEDY-DRAMA IN TIIKEF: ACTS 

By Charles Townsend 

Five males, four females. IModern costumes ; scenes, two interiors and 
ail exterior — the latter may be played as well in an interior, if preferred. 
Plays a full evetiinj?. A clever, up-to-date piece, well suited for aniateur 
l)evforniance. No small parts; all good. Good i)lot, full of incident, no 
love-nuikiug, no " heroics," interest strong and sustained. Based on a play 
that, in its lime, had phenomenal popularity and can be strongly recom- 
mended. 

Price, 15 cents 
CHARACTERS 

Watsok "W. HiGnEE,//-o7n 3Ion/ana. HiGGiKS, (he butler. 

A good fellow in'/./i m i If ions, who - Eccentric Character. 

knows neiiher fear nar grammar. NANCY WiTHROW, the senator's 

Character Lead. daughter. An iip-to-dafe, lerel-headed 

Ho>^ V. D. Wia'HROw, a biuc-hlooded girl. Juvenile Lead. 

ex-sini/or irith a tali family tree and MADGE CUMMINGS, //■(>»*, Montana A 

a short Iniitk account. Fiist Old Man. quiet sort with temper when needed. 

hoiiVs\lHiV,l&F.,sonof Wal.-on. Cham- Ingenue Lead. 

pion athlete of Harvard. In love rcilh Mus. Ballou, the senator's sister from, 

Mailfie. Juvenile Ijcad. New York, who meets her second affin- 

THE<yDOKE DALRYAiri.E, called Hij at the eleventh hour. Comedy. 

" Tfd." Worked his way through MRS MALVINA MeddigREW, origi- 

Harvard. In love with Nunry. nally from Missouri. 3Iust always be 

Comedy I^ead. shown. Comedy. 

SYNOPSIS 

ACT I.— The lawn at Withrow's. A June afternoon. Planning a dou- 
ble marriage. 

ACT II.— Parlor at Withrow's. In a tangle. Cupid's arrows go wrong, 
and evcrytliiiig follows. Good-by, and a roaring climax. 

ACT II I. — In Mon tana, five months later. Hard lines. " Thanksgiving 
to-morrow, and no cliance to steal a turkey." The unexpected happens. 
Sudden wealth. " A Four-decker weddin' in a couple or three days." 



THE OTHER WOMAN 

A SKETCH IN ONE ACT 



Fh/ Ellis Kingsley 

interior ; costumes 
imiended. Very dr; 

Price , 15 cents 



Two females. Scene, an interior ; costumes modern. A clever and re^ 
fined sketch, strongly reconmiended. Very dramatic. Plays twenty min. 
utes. 



New Plays 



THE TEASER 

A RURAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 

By Charles S. Allen 

Four male, three female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for 
all three acts ; costumes, modern. Plays about an hour ami a half. An ad- 
mirable play for amateurs, very easy to get up, and very effective. Uraliah 
Higgins, a country post-man, and Drusilla Todd are capital comedy jiarts, 
introducing songs or specialties, if it is desired to lengthen the piece. Do- 
mestic drama, with plenty of incidental fun. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

As originally produced by The Russell Club, in Y. M. C. A. Hall, Melrose, 
June 5, 1907. 

Ellice Flemyng, Mrs. F/emijvg's (laughter . . . Rita Dickinson 
AKJ!iOhD U AYE, a ijaungjournalisf. .... Carleton A. Sawyer 

Mrs. Makion Vz.EU\"SG,a loiduw Bessie Anderson 

lyii.THORVtz, /ionic-ip(t'/i ; a phi/nsop/ie7' as well . . . Carl Robinson 

T>iiUiiiijt.xV WWD, UniUnh's hcsf g'H Edith Johnson 

Ukaltah Hicgins, Rural Free Delivery Levi Stevens 

Ebei^^ezek Randall,, a ??ia?t o/mca?i6' . . , . W. Norton Messenger 



THE HERO OF THE GRIDIRON 

A COLLEGE COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS 

By Estelle Cook 

Nine male, four female characters and supernumeraries. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, easy interiors and exteriors, not essential. Plays about two 
hours. A successful college farce on the football theme, suited to co-educa- 
tional and otlier colleges; very easy and remarkably effective in perform- 
ance. Can be played only on payment of a royalty of $5.00 for each per- 
formance to the author. 

Price , 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Harry Randolph, a Freshmanfrom Ruben Rjtstic, fromllaystacklianch 

the While Horse Ranch. Mr. Randolph, Harry' s father . 

Mr. Trix, a football coach. Maud Davis, the most popular girl 

Frank Barnes, "^ members of the on the campus. 



Fred Wheeler, I Bouncer Squad Ruth Randolph, Harry's sister. 

Walter French, \ and the Beta Miss Prue, an nntiqiiated chaperon. 

John Taylor, J Be'a Frat. The Nurse, toho lives on the campus, 
T. L. Tintype, a photo agent. 



New Plays 



A GIRL IN A THOUSAND 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 

By Evelyn Gray Whiting 

Fourteen females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, three interiors and an ex- 
terior. Plays a full evening. Very strong and sympathetic and ot varied 
interest Irish comedy ; strong " witch " character ; two very lively " kids ; 
all the parts good. Elfective, easy to produce, and can he strongly recom- 
mended to young people as thoroughly wholesome in tone as well as amus- 
ing. 

Pricey 25 cents 
CHARACTERS 

FOLKS AT THE COTTAGE 
Granny Morris, an old-fashioned SYi.yix, a lUtle peacemaker. 

jjody. Charlotte, " Charlie.'* 

Flora, poor, but proud. Kathleen, "-Kit." 

FOLKS AT THE HALL 
Helena Glendon, a delightful per- F h(ebe'Pr^sto:s, who retzds the :Bouse 



son. 



Journal. 



Vivian Glendon, her adopted child. Nora, a believer in charms, with none 
Mrs. Preston, a housekeeper. of her oion. 

MisaTnAJMER, witch of the holloiv. Miss Prim, school-teacher someivhai 

Mrs. Wentworth, a tvealthy ividow. like her name. 

Miss Guilford, her companion. 

SYNOPSIS 

ACT T.— Granny Morris' cottage. Seven wishes. One comes true. The 
Witch's prophecy. 

ACT II.— School-room at Miss Prim's. Some tableaux. A cake-walk. A 
prophecy fulfilled. 

ACT III.— Sitting room at the Hall. Granny forgets her skirt. The 
Witch again. A face at the Avindow. 

ACT IV.— Witch Hollow. A picnic. Nora tries a charm. Unravelling of 
the skein. 

MOSE 

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 

By C. W. Miles 

Eleven males,ten females. Scenery, two interiors; costumes modern. Plays 
an hour and a half. A lively college farce, full of good local color and the 
true college spirit. Its cast is unusually large, but many of the parts are 
small and incidental. Introduces a good deal of singing, which will serve to 
ler.gcheii the'performance. The inevitable foot-ball is au element of its story, 
y-^'yi Hs strongest dramatic interest does not depend upon this. Recommend- 
•^ Wghly for co-educational colleges. Professional stage-rights reserved. 

Price, 15 ce?its 



New Plays 



THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C. Leona Dalrymple 
Six males, three females. Costumes modern ; scenery, two interiors, 
or can he played in one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting 
piece, full of action and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Car- 
ter's little joke of impersonating the colored butler has unexpected con- 
sequences that give him " the time of his life." Very highly recom- 
mended for High School performance. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. Bob Grey. 

Mrs. Bob Grey. 

Tom Carter, Mrs. Grefs brother. 

Mrs. Peter Wycombe, a ** personage." 

Mr. Peter Wycombe, a ** pessimist " with a digestion. 

Dorothy Landon, secretly engaged to Tom Carter. 

Mr. James Landon, Sr., Dorothy's father ; of a peppery disposition. 

Uncle Tom, an old colored butler from the South. 

Officer Hogan, of the Twenty- Second Street Police Station. 

EETHER OR EYTHER 

A Farce in One Act 

By Robert C. F. Meyers 
Four males, four females. Costumes modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
thirty minutes. A clever parlor play, similar in idea to the popular " Ob- 
stinate Family." Sure to please. 

Price, 75 ce?its 

THE MORNING AFTER THE PLAY 
A Comedy in One Act 

By Willis Steell 
Two males, three females. Costumes modern ; scene, an interior. 
Plays twenty minutes. An easy piece of strong dramatic interest, orig- 
inally produced in Vaudeville by Christy Clifford. Free to amateurs; 
royalty required for professional performance. 
Price, 75 cetits 



^tict, 50 €mt0 €atl) 



THF MAfilSTRATF Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, four 
lUL ITIAUIJlAAll. f^^^j^i^g Costumes, modern; scenery, all 
interior. Plays two hours and a half. 



THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITP !"?""' ;» 5°"/ 

Luj,» males:, five fei 



Acts, 
fern ales. 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, all interiors Pb ys a full evening. 

THF PROFI IfiATF l*layinFourAc'.iS ^even males, five females. 
llILf I n\ll MuA 1 Iv g^.gjjgj.y^ three interiors, rather elaborate; 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF SCHftOI MISTRFSS ^^'^■ce in Three Acts. Nine males, seven 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
tliree interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^^^"ZZet^s.'^cos. 

tumes, modern ; scenery, three inteiiors. Plays a full evening. 

SWFFT f A^TNDFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, four 
,, females. Scene, a single interior; costumes, 

modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMFS ^^"^®^^y ^" Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
Scene, a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays a 
full evening. 

THF WFAKFR SFX comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, eight 
lULr TTLAHIvH JL.A ^^,^^^1^^ Costumes, modern ; scenery, two 
interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE '^T'^ "f'^T ^T, ""' 

males, four females. Costumes, 
modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter i^* iBafier & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



%mnt popular Pa^s 



TUP AWAIZ'PNIKIft riay in Four Acts. By C; H. Chambers. 
lUC AnAIVCillilU i<our males, six females. Scenery, not diffi- 
cult, chiefly interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 50 Cents. 

THE FRUITS OF ENUGIiTENMENT g°T?/oi"ToT° tw^;: 

one males, eleven females. Scenery, characteristic interiors ; cos- 
tumes, modern. Plays a full evening, liecommended for reading 
clubs. Price, 85 Cents. 

mS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR KiTkIhaJ^'N?! 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 60 Cents. 

AN inPiT HITCRAMn Comedy in Four Acts. By Oscak Wilde. 
An Wr,Al4 miJDAlMJ Nine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
reservetl. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Hit Si Ssca'I 

Wilde. Five males, four feuiales. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rights re- 
served. Price, 50 Cent.s. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN ?^r;t.ir"s!?^.I tSfe^.^'Jirte" 

males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

WATHAVHAIF Play in Four Acts. By Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
ilAl llAl^ lllMtLi jiiales, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
ing rights reserved. Plays a, full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THP ftTHPD PPT I nW Couiedy in Three Acts. ByM. B. Horne. 
IIIC UillCii rCLLrUTT j^ix males, four females. Scenery, two 
interiors; costumes, modern. Professional stage rights reserved. 
Plays a I ull evening. I'l-ice, 50 Cents. 

TuE TYRANNY Or IbAKo chambers. Four males, th»ee fe- 
males. Scenery, au interior and an exterior; costumes, modern. 
Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE ^^li^h^i^^, 

' seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Oif ered for 
reading only. Price, ,^0 Cents. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttt 1$. TBafeer & €ompmv 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

• . J. PARKHILL * CO., PHINTKRS. aOSTON, U.S.*. 



